Category Archives: Healing the Hurt–Series

My therapy is going well

I am in recovery and the meds prescribed are working well and so is my intense therapy group.  I have a gifted and spiritual therapist.   That’s all one can ask for really. My thanks for all the good wishes and prayers out there.   I am really recovering my health as well.  Last test results are so encouraging that I am doing all the right things, even accupuncture.  I am sleeping again.

Do you Have Meniere’s Disease like I do?

Mayo Clinic link. This link has the best advice I’ve seen. Many people are undiagnosed. If you get dizzy, have been under great stress in your life, become nauseated and throw up for no reason? Over 40? It is difficult to diagnose and has been undiagnosed in many people including myself.

Blacks need aversion therapy not more education

I’ve been watching the spending of states and the Feds on spending when it comes to education in the classroom. There are good points to this when the infrastructure goes bonkers and looks like hell inside the building.

But this is no stereotype of blacks: they avoid therapy and all things mental health. This is a huge mistake. They suffer from more and deeper health ailments of the body because they have so many neuroses that are left untreated. There are neuroses on top of neuroses that are eating away at the self-esteem fiber of black Americans.

And they are not the least bit concerned about this deficit of devotion to getting well from the inside out. The money they spend on cute clothes and comfy cars and fast foods could be better spent on healing the hurt inside.

It hurts to be seen as black, unlovable and ugly. That’s the outside version that is easily internalized even by blacks who do not fit the black box in terms of phenotype.

Many members of my family are not calling themselves white or looking white. No, it’s others who are labeling us one thing or another. And many have to tell whites and blacks, including myself, that no we are not “white” we are not black either. We are mediterranean. But for simplicity sake we correct and say that we are black.

But that does not make it easy when white people are quick to point out with one barb or stereotype or another or even and epithet or two like the N word that you are not good enough.

And all the educational spending in the world will not FIX a broken self esteem. Yes, it is about the soul and the image of same.

Smile Therapy

While there is no cure for being or feelings of unlovableness there is a remedy. In my therapy today I told my wonderful therapist how my intuition was getting even greater. And everything I tell myself or others comes true out of the blue.

But there was the gnawing feeling of feeling unlovable by my children and the men that did not love me back, but used me instead.

I talked a lot today during therapy. Then my therapist described how the amygdala hears our negative thoughts about ourselves and sends it to the lizard brain where it is sent in less than a second down to the adrenal glands where adrenaline is released.

You know what that means? it means you are courting sickness, disease and death. Negative thoughts lead to bad things. But he told me to put my hands at my temples and push my face up as I thought my negative target thought.

He said what you did was smile and you told your brain to smile at negative thoughts that you label inside. With that wen you let bad feelings get inside and you react then you are giving your power away.

I’ve even begun to lose another phobia of watching blood, gore and why I was unable to become a doctor. I couldn’t look at the pictures.

I never forgave my Catholic high school for forcing us to watch the death camp reels. I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

But now I tell myself that while some of these things may not be illusions, in one sense when they are on celuloid they are an illlusion. One may not smile at catastrophe but you can tell your body that it won’t hurt you.

Moer later

Who KNew I’d Need Therapy to Get Over You

Not only did I have to mourn love at first sight, but also first love in therapy. I had to confront that after 40 years the thought of this love of my life still brought me to tears.

The tears were for the memories of him finding and marrying someone else other than me. I had him for a minute, a year a day and pieces of him for years. But that was not enough. There was no making it right.

Finally, someone chased him down and was a friend within my family, but not to me. So he had kids with her instead of me. I did not consent, but I did not confront either. It was okay. It was not what I wanted to do. I was about doing then not being a human.

I can face that loss. Nothing is accidental nothing a mistake. But not facing the loss can impact the health of the body and ruin the heart. Okay, I am over seeking self-esteem in others and in doing. It’s all me and it’s all right. I get it. The first one to say it but the last one to feel it.

Goodbye my love you know who you are.

Acrophobia traced to childhood anesthesia

While fear of heights is a common phobia it can be debilitating. In my case it was so strong that I could not walk up or down hills while in San Francisco or go out and look at the ocean. Through therapy I have connected the dots and the synapses in my brain.

I had surgery for hernia as a child. I never forgot the anesthesia and how I was out of my body and felt that I was atop a flag pole or something. So, everytime I would be in a high place I was regressing to that childhood and traumatic memory. Does this erase the fear? Time will tell.

Tiger In Therapy Too?

Is Tiger in rehab or therapy too for his sexual addictions? That means that he suffered some childhood trauma. What trauma could that be? Being forced to be a golf child instead of being a child?

Therapy helps Tiger. Try EMDR to get unstuck.

Therapy Session #2

We did not use EMDR therapy this time. But I talked about how thoughts kept coming back that revealed my true state of low self-esteem. I did some research on it and that combined  with my trauma make for a garden variety of low self esteem. My therapist asked me to keep a journal of thoughts that come back and say bad things inside myself.

When I was a teen I wrote a poem that encapsulated it “The Bad Boy” and when I got initiated I found out  that they call the five sins bad boys. So I felt a deep sense of shame which comes from the outside and low self esteem which comes from the inside.

I do believe in karma and that no one is innocent. We are born “innocent” but with a boatload of karma.

In addition my desire to be admired for outer things is also rooted in this. I want that from certain men whom I had in my life but who are no longer in my life. I can get over that but now I know the reason I held onto for so long.

So my therapist says that we will work on this next time and that I am to keep a journal and diary of issues I think of. One comes to mind when people say things and I hear “put down” in those things.  In addition to putting myself down too.

Healing the Hurt (Series Pt 2): Phobias

As promised I would blog my therapy as it occurs. I have emotional problems as a result of many childhood traumas. But  I did not want to end up on anti depressant and in and out of the hospital for suicidal thoughts or attempts.

An answer to my prayers was discovered in 1987, called EMDR. My new therapist described to me how many millions of synapses there are in the brain, countless. He also told me that we are a NEW person EVERY day. Because of the processes the brain goes through daily, and in REM/deep sleep. We are renewed/reborn daily. WOW.

Anyway,  I have reserved up to three therapists in an effort to root out the rot. To heal the hurt wherever it occurs.

After talking a bit. The doc begins to describe how EMDR works. It can be done high tech or low tech. He chose low tech. He told me to think and to visualize something that bothers me or that I want to target.

So, I visualized a phobia that makes no sense. I love flying and one flies at great heights. But flying does not bother me. But being out in open, high spaces does bother me. So going over bridges, standing on high ground and overlooking an expanse. It is not pure fear of heights to me. But it paralyzes me in that I can hardly move without deep fear.

I got it firmly in my mind. If it is unrooted and I get unstuck from it, it would be for life. I chose something concrete and not an emotional issue. When the doctor sat close he told me to close my eyes and picture the situation. Then open my eyes. He moved his hand back and forth and I was to follow his motion but not move my head. This moves the message from one side of the brain to the other where it can be processed instead of being stuck on the other side without solution.

During the therapy I felt a deep tightening band that went across my head at the level of my ears.  It got tighter and tighter. When I opened my eyes and closed my eyes I was to rate the change I felt about this fear. It went down from a 10 to a 3. We repeated it and it went down to 0 when I looked into the future about it.

Outcome: I won’t know until I get into that situation such as experienced when I was in San Francisco. I got stuck on Telegraph Hill! I couldn’t come down without holding on to a building and not looking down.

There was much more discussed about how the brain works. And that the therapist did not want me to become dependent on him but myself. I think I will try to tackle an emotional issue next time.  He said most patients needed 6 sessions on average.